You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
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