Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
