"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Randomize
