McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize