When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
