Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
