i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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