Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
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