Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
