I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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