Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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