you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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