Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
