Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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