Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
