Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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