I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Randomize
