Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
