I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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