He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
