hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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