the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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