so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Randomize
