I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
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