So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I have feelings that need drinking.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
