I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
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