new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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