my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
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