I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize