he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
