If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
