im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize
