hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
