i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize