using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
