I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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