then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
