Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
