I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
