I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize