A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
