Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
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