I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
