why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
