Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
