mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
