I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
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