I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
