did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
