Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
