If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
