He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
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