Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
