I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
