I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
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