My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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