Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I want to fling myself into the sun
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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