This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
