I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
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