I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
