you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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