Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
