Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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