Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
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