I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Randomize
