So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
