that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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