So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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