oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
