Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
