you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
