my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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